Do you feel like crying all the time?

I dread school. I don’t wish to go to school, at all.

When I got home today, I thought I could just lie to my mom and do exactly what I told Joanna, one of the new friends I made today. (Apparently, Joanna and I were taken aback by the same issue.) 

But as I stood by the doorway, I looked into my mother’s eyes and watched her excited expression fade away. 

I couldn’t hold back my tears.

 I would’ve bawled out loud like a baby but my brother’s tutor was in the living room so I could only contain my agony.

One thing about trying to keep your volume down when you cry is that once you run out of tears, you get a bad headache from having to push all the pain up to your head.

I’ve got a bad headache now.

I wish I DID NOT cancel my successful appeal into TPJC. I could’ve done what I really wanted there.

Why did I have to listen to the other adults?

The people who told me that I should not do theatre & drama.

The people who discouraged me from doing mass com and design.

The people who are against me and my music.

The people who told me not to do what I’m good at.

Why do I have to care about what other people want me to do?

Everytime I draw, act, sing in my band or come up with a design, I wonder if what they really said was true. That it’s not an advisable thing to do. After drawing halfway, I tear up my artworks in frustration knowing that I’ll never get to go to a design school. Not without a lot of protests and condemning from the Others. My drawings would be worthless. And recently, I’ve become very restrained in my acting. I don’t know why but I keep thinking that acting is stupid.

I LOVE ACTING SO MUCH.

WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THIS?!

Those people know better, I guess. If I went against them, it could be like going against God. I don’t want to go against God. But do I have to do something I am forcing myself to be interested in?

I know everyone’s appalled by the decision I made to enter AMS. I am too…

I’ve been trying to convince myself that I can do engineering.

That it’s okay to give up your passion for the Arts and just do something more practical, like what they told me.

Thinking back, that idea was stupid.

Absolutely stupid.

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