haha okay for starters, my primaryschoolbestie JUN suggested that i write about my low self-esteem and its causes.
Alright i’ll just have to assume that anyone who reads this post does not know me, does not know me very well, or knows me well but is unable to comprehend my thoughts. And i will try not to be long winded. 😀
I humbly introduced myself as Samantha Teng Jiayin. Fifteen going on sixteen. I am very young at heart and i am supposed to look young but i’m often mistaken to be someone way older than i am supposed to be. This issue probably contributes to my low self-esteem. Most adolescents nowadays tend to adopt a mature sense of fashion, reason being that they wish to look more “sophisticated”, “original”, “posh” in dolce&gabanna, topshop, dorothy perkins, bebe, mango, LV, gucci, misssixty and more. As for me, i think only european designer brands are able to fit my fat ample size because i have more of an american-size body structure which is a far cry from bone-thin asians (LIKE MISS JUNHUI). I am not ashamed to admit that i am FAT & NOT VERY GOOD LOOKING.
Yes, i have low-self-esteem because i am able to literally and not literally “spots” my flaws which begins my mental self-critism, an ongoing war since the dawn of pubescence. Allow me to reveal them.
I have dozens of tiny stress-induced pimples all over my long oval shaped face and terribly high forehead. It’s as if i have a receeding hair line. Oh yes i’m also losing a lot of hair. My good classmates CHI AN AND DONOVAN were shocked to discover long strands of hair on their desks one day during our normal lessons. No there was no pontianak. It was just the female classmate sitting in front of them. the female classmate was me.
I’M SORRY MY HAIR FELL ON YOUR DESKS GUYS. 😀
My high cheekbones would only look better if i was bone-thin and if i didn’t have so much fat in my cheeks. I don’t look good in shades. Necklaces or bracelets made up of stringed congruent retro balls (that i would LOVE to wear) makes me look fatter than i already am. I don’t have a t-bone jutting out at my chest area. I have a double chin which disappeared after 2 months of intensive working and then reappeared again when i began my mundane sedentary studying. My side view is hideous. I have huge unsightly hands and chunky fingers because i used to enjoy “cracking” my knuckles in my younger years. Since guys looked cool and tough when they cracked knuckles, why couldn’t i do the same too? No, i haven’t finished yet.
Everyone has something to comment about the thunderous thighs that only started forming when i was in sec 1. It was when i stopped dancing and began intensive taekwondo training. Those long distance runs, hours of sprinting, endless knee-lifts, squats, thousands of duck walk punishments and exerting powerful kicks. Besides that, i ate a lot of protein and other UNHEALTHY food. So i just kept getting meatier and meatier. Apparently my whole thigh is not made up of muscle. It’s loads of fats. All my fats accumulate at my thighs and butt. Talk about jLo’s booty and Beyonce’s and Madonna’s voluptuous thighs. My thighs did begin to shrink when i finally stopped training sometime last year because of my working schedule. Boy how i miss working. It’s really killing two birds with one stone. I get my pay and in the process i lose weight at my trouble areas.
I don’t want to have a sensual, seductive appearance. I just want to feel more confident about myself.
I also realise that i don’t smile properly and i am not photogenic. So i have decided to delete all pictures of myself and never take pictures of myself again. Taking pictures with flashes kills your brainscells and snaps your aura out of you anyway. Still, my love for taking photos of all my beautiful, SLIM and good-looking friends never dies. 😀
My struggle to become thin by COL 5 continues.
Hopefully by then i can hop around all i want without looking like a clumsy elephant.